Jimmy Fallon Quotables 7.22.19

The heat was brutal all around the country. For the first time in years, ice cream truck drivers sold more ice cream than weed.

It was so hot here in New York, they had to cancel the New York City Triathlon. Which means 4,000 people were just wandering the streets going, “NOW what do I brag about on Instagram? My brunch?”

Over the weekend, White House advisor Stephen Miller went on Fox News and said that Trump is not a racist. People at home were confused -- they couldn’t tell if they were watching Fox News or “Big Little Lies.”

Over the weekend, Trump asked Sweden’s Prime Minister to free rapper ASAP Rocky from jail. Then Sweden’s Prime Minister was like, “We’re the home of IKEA, we don’t do anything ASAP.”

Over the weekend, a couple at Trump’s New Jersey golf club held a “Make America Great Again”-themed wedding, and he actually crashed it. Yeah, he cut in right after hearing, “You may now kiss the bride.”

This weekend was the 50th anniversary of the moon landing! It’s crazy - only 12 people have ever set foot on the moon, and nobody’s been there since 1972. It’s basically the JC Penney of space.

Shaquille O’Neal was in the crowd for a big music festival in Belgium this weekend. It’s like a reverse “Where’s Waldo.” It’s called “There’s Waldo.”

Can you imagine being the guy standing BEHIND Shaq?

The concert abruptly ended when Shaq tried to crowd surf.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 7.23.19

Robert Mueller is about to testify in front of Congress. Or as President Trump is calling it, “Narc Week.”

Democrats are hoping Mueller goes out there and explains his written report, on camera. It’s their way of saying to Americans, “We know you didn’t read the book, so maybe you’ll watch the movie.”

Over the weekend, a man in California who was dressed as a clown led police on a 35 mile, high-speed chase. When asked what he was running from, the man said, “Myself.”

Cheez-It is teaming up with a vineyard to make a box that is half Cheez-Itz, half wine.

People in the store are like, “Gross! I’ll take a dozen boxes!”

It’s like Lunchables for adults.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 7.24.19

Today is National Tequila Day, and after six hours of Robert Mueller testifying, I think we all deserve it.

A lot of bars in Washington opened at 8am this morning for the Mueller hearings, and if you did a shot anytime Mueller said, “I can’t answer that” you were blacked out by 10am.

Three months after he released his report, Mueller went to Congress to answer some tough questions about his investigation. I don’t want to say watching it was draining, but by the end, every American looked like Robert Mueller.

Mueller was questioned by 60 lawmakers for six hours. The only other time you get grilled like that is if you’re single at your family reunion.

Mueller said the reason he couldn’t charge Trump with a crime was because he can’t indict a “sitting president.” That’s why for the last 12 hours, Trump’s been afraid to get up from the couch.

Mueller said that Trump couldn’t get indicted cuz he’s in office. But the president’s not out of the woods yet.

Trump could be charged after he’s done being president. Right now in Russia, Putin’s looking at his phone like, “Any second now...Hello, Donald! Yes, I can help.”

A lot of people are focusing on all the things Mueller didn’t say. Instead of talking, he kept telling lawmakers to go back and read his report. Then the lawmakers were like, “The whole point of us bringing you here was so we didn’t have to read the report!”

Mueller avoided a lot of questions. He’s like a Magic 8 Ball -- except no matter how you shake him, he just says, “That’s not in my purview.”

A lot of people in the media are saying that Mueller came across as old and slow. On the bright side, he’s now the favorite to win the Democratic nomination for president.

At one point, Mueller had a little trouble with the president’s name. Then Trump was like, “See! It was TRIMP who obstructed. Not Trump! Trimp! Lock him up!”

After the testimony, both sides tried to declare victory. And Trump sent out a tweet that said… “TRUTH IS A FORCE OF NATURE!” People were like, “Wow, that’s deep.” And Trump was like, “Thanks – I got it from a fortune cookie.”

If you missed Mueller’s hearing, don’t worry -- in a few weeks, William Barr will give a much shorter, inaccurate summary.

After all the hype and questioning, I don’t think anybody’s changed their mind about anything. Democrats are still thinking about impeachment. Republicans are still saying case closed. America hasn’t been this divided since the trailer for the “Cats” movie came out.

A pair of Nike shoes were just auctioned off for a record 430,000 dollars. One day the buyer will show his kids and say, “These are the reason you couldn’t go to college.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 7.25.19

I’m so excited and fired up to be here -- I’m pretty much the opposite of Robert Mueller.

Everyone’s still talking about Mueller’s testimony. Democrats were hoping it would, “Breathe life” into the effort to impeach Trump, but afterwards they were like, “Forget impeachment, someone should breathe life into Robert Mueller.”

Both Democrats and Republicans thought Mueller came off as slow and old. I’m not saying Mueller was bad, but he made Bernie Sanders look like one of the kids from “Stranger Things.”

President Trump is thrilled with how it went. He was so happy, he came THIS close to hugging Don Jr.

Trump was so happy, he formed his hair into a party hat.

He was so happy, he re-hired Jeff Sessions, and then fired him again.

He was so happy, he thought about taking a victory lap, then just made an intern do it for him.

He was so happy, he offered to fly “The Squad” back to where they came from on Air Force One.

The president watched all seven hours on TV, but today he went back to his usual schedule of watching seven hours of TV.

After the hearing, Trump said Mueller’s performance was, “One of the worst in the history of the country. Then Stormy Daniels was like, “Second worst performance.”

During Mueller’s testimony, Melania tweeted that she’s already prepping for Christmas at the White House. Not a good sign for Trump -- he’s hearing he could be indicted, and his wife’s like, “It’s gonna be the best Christmas ever!”

Soon, you’ll be able to drop off and pick up UPS packages at Advance Auto Parts. It’s pretty simple -- a UPS driver just throws your package over your fence, into an Advance Auto Parts.

Someone tried to order a cake for a two year old that said, “Happy Birthday Lizard,” but the bakery misheard them and sent them a cake that said, “Happy Birthday Loser.” Meanwhile, at the White House, Trump was like, “Why does the cake I ordered for Don Jr. say ‘lizard’?!”

In North Dakota, a college student discovered a 65 million year-old triceratops skull. Even more impressive, it only took his roommate an hour to turn it into a bong.