Jimmy Fallon Quotables 12.16.19

Leading up to Christmas, Target is staying open extra late for shoppers. While over at Walmart, the windows are still smashed from Black Friday, so you can come and go anytime.

Saturday is the last day that you can ship something via FedEx and have it arrive in time for Christmas. Meanwhile, if you’re in line at the Post Office right now, you should make it to the counter in time for Easter.

House Democrats put out a 658 page report that details why Trump should be impeached. Who is gonna read 658 pages? The last time Americans read something that long, it ended with Voldemort fighting Harry Potter.

In that massive report, there was a 20 page dissent from Republicans. So that’s 638 pages for impeachment, 20 against. If you put those stacks next to each other, it looks like Dwayne Johnson standing next to Kevin Hart.

The full House of Representatives is going to vote on impeachment this Wednesday. It's such a big deal that C-SPAN set up a GoFundMe to buy a second camera.

Despite all the impeachment drama, Trump’s still having fun. This weekend, he went to Philadelphia for the Army-Navy football game and was greeted with cheers. It was historic, because it’s the first time anyone’s ever cheered in Philly.

A new trailer just came out for the “Top Gun” sequel. It’s great! You see a plane flying upside down, passing between two other planes, and just missing a mountain -- then after that ad for Southwest Airlines, the Top Gun trailer starts.

For the first time in 25 years, Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas is You” is number one on the Billboard Hot 100. Mostly cuz they started counting plays at CVS and Walgreens.

Last night in Rockefeller Center was the annual Merry Tuba Christmas, where hundreds of tuba players gathered to play songs. Meanwhile, the Chipotle down the street was like, “Big deal. It sounds like that in here every night.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 12.17.19

The new cast for the upcoming season of “The Bachelor” has just been revealed! The rules are a little different this season. First, all 30 women have to make it through a House vote, then if approved, they’re going on to face a trial in the Senate.

There’s 30 women on The Bachelor all fighting for the same thing – to see who can disappoint their parents the most.

This year’s Bachelor is Pete the Pilot, three of the contestants are actually flight attendants. Which should explain why every episode starts 45 minutes late.

Another Bachelor contestant is a professional house flipper. And just a word of advice, when you get to the Bachelor Mansion, the first thing that you want to flip is the mattress.

Tomorrow is an absolutely historic day for the United States. That’s right, after months of anticipation, it’s finally here: the Masked Singer finale.

‘Twas the night before impeachment, and all through DC, Pelosi was clapping, while Trump screamed, “Why me?!”

Tomorrow, the House will officially vote on the articles of impeachment against President Trump, and Nancy Pelosi apparently “has the votes.” Then Hillary was like, “Well...don’t get too cocky.

The media is fired up too. This morning, in the NBC gym, I ran into Mika Brzezinski bench-pressing Morning Joe.

Today “Happy Impeachment” was trending on Twitter. When Trump saw that, he was like, “Trust me, after tomorrow’s vote everyone will be saying ‘Merry Impeachment’ again!”

Rudy Giuliani just did an interview where he admitted that Trump knew what he was doing in Ukraine. It’s almost like Rudy heard there’s no way Trump can be removed from office and thought, “Oh yeah, we’ll see about that!”

I’m not saying Rudy’s hurting Trump’s case, but even Harvey Weinstein thinks he needs to shut up and go away.

But Trump is busy. He hosted the president and first lady of Guatemala. At first Trump was confused, he was like, “I love Guatemala. Especially when they make it tableside.” It’s extra at Chipotle.

A Russian spy ship was just spotted sailing off the coast of Florida. Trump heard that and was like, “That’s not a spy ship, that’s my getaway vehicle.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 12.18.19

Today, the House of Representatives officially voted to impeach President Trump. Of course, it’s a dark stain on his legacy -- but on the bright side, Trump finally managed to win a popular vote.

That’s right, Trump’s allies are worried about the stain that impeachment will leave on his legacy. Although, when a guy wears that much spray tan, I don’t think he cares about the stains he leaves behind.

Today, Trump became the third US president to be impeached. It was Bill Clinton in 1999 and Andew Johnson in 1868. And this is crazy, back in 1868, Andrew Johnson was also impeached for trying to dig up dirt on Joe Biden.

What happened today is historic, and experts are saying this is what we’ll remember most about 2019. Then Americans were like, “Oh come on, have you seen Baby Yoda?”

During the debate, a Republican Congressman compared Trump to Jesus. I don’t know. If Trump were Jesus, I’m pretty sure we’d have seen him turn water into Diet Coke.

“Merry Impeachmas” was trending on Twitter. But to make sure everyone felt included, Democrats were also saying “Happy Don-ukkah.”

Someone in Ohio just won the 372 million dollar Mega Millions jackpot. The winner is thrilled, while the guy who gave him the ticket for Secret Santa just walked into the ocean.

Kids are now using money apps instead of piggy banks. It's gonna get even weirder when kids tell The Tooth Fairy, "Just Venmo me."

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 12.19.19

Just six more days til Christmas and one of the biggest selling toys this year are LOL Surprise dolls. Yeah, LOL Surprise is very popular, mostly cuz that’s what Nancy Pelosi said right before she impeached Trump.

The big story is that President Trump was impeached last night. The vote on the first article of impeachment was 230 to 197 - which was basically Trump’s blood pressure throughout the entire day.

The sixth Democratic debate was on PBS. Since it was on PBS an expert from Antiques Roadshow came out and appraised Bernie Sanders.

There were just seven candidates on stage tonight, so a lot of people were calling the debate “intimate.” Then RadioShack was like, “Hey, seven people is a lot of people!”

The movie “Cats” is about to hit theaters. I’m excited for it cuz it’s the only movie where shining a laser pointer at the screen makes all the characters go crazy.